As I sort of expected, you said I was using the affair in order to leave the relationship with my boyfriend - to have the decision taken out of my hands.
You said my indecision was based in some part -maybe a lot - on my inability to separate effectively from my parents.
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I'm not sure if this will make sense, but I am finding myself at a crossroads in my life where I really want companionship, but I don't necessarily want 'a committed relationship'.
Maybe most important, he is very focused on the future. He still has not found work but I still keep fantasizing that he will find a good job and become enormously successful. I don't think that if the old boyfriend returned with a sack-full of cash, it would actually change anything.
He actually produces spreadsheets to calculate the years it will take for us to save for a nice home. Then I would have it all -both he and his success -- and I would have no problem making a decision. The fact that this scenario is highly unlikely is not the issue.
It has caused me to ponder where do I see a man in my life and how do I make him fit when I really don't want to give up my heart, yet I want someone I connect with who shares my interests and wants to do things with me outside the bedroom.
Have you ever asked yourself....'What do I really want?
Well, I did finally end the affair -- but only after I met another guy.
When someone then starts telling you that they’re being indecisive because they don’t want to hurt you, it raises the question of which crystal ball they’re using? They may be afraid of being honest and assertive or they just lack the self-knowledge to understand their own needs which would in turn help them make a decision that reflected not only who they are but also had some respect and consideration for you.
If they don’t understand their own needs or feelings, they’re certainly not going to be able to empathise either.
None or limited vulnerability equals intimacy issues equals commitment issues equals balance, progression and consistency issues equals you dealing with someone who isn’t available for an available relationship. They appear to make decisions and then afterwards start to panic and backtrack to relieve their fears. Indecision is actually a decision in itself and to be on the receiving end of it can be torture.
Then when they feel calm again based on the change in decision, they then worry if they made the wrong decision. You can end up falling into the trap of trying to help them make up their minds and even attempting to allay their fears and in the meantime, you end up forgetting your own needs and cross into over-empathising instead of recognising what indecision means in the bigger picture. Someone who truly cares for you and is empathetic will recognise that it’s not acceptable and will not continue the flip-flapping or take advantage of your own decisiveness about them.
Some decisions in life are major and others insignificant, some obvious while others require a little more thought. And in more extreme cases, it may also be associated with mental health issues, such as depressive symptoms. That's because we know how important they are and we don't want to mess anything up.